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I need jaw surgery. I don’t know if I’ve ever brought that up on here or not, but it’s something that I need. I mean, I SERIOUSLY NEED it! We’re not talking about something for cosmetic reasons. This is for medical reasons. I have a crossbite and an underbite. It’s fixable with braces and jaw surgery. Before I pay anything to get braces, though, I’m supposed to find out if I can have the surgery. Well, in order to find out that I can have the surgery, I have to have 2 workups done by the orthodontist and by the maxillofacial surgeon. I don’t think my mouth has changed in 8 years since they did the last one, except that I no longer have wisdom teeth. But in order to do the workups, I have to come up with the money to pay for them since neither doctor accepts Medicaid, and even if they did, I’m too old for Medicaid to pay anything dental. (Medicare still may cover some of the costs, if they choose to.) I have trouble eating, big surprise, I know since I’m so big, but it’s true. If you stick a slice of ham, no matter the thickness/thinness, I can’t chew it without getting my hands ahold of the piece of meat and pulling it out of my mouth to simulate the action that my front teeth are supposed to take when I chew. Now, this has become normal for me at family gatherings and when I’m making a ham sandwich, but it is nonetheless very annoying and embarrassing. My mom told me it’ll be a month before she’ll know if I can even schedule an appointment to have a workup done because she doesn’t know if I can do my own finances. (Yes, for those of you who have been paying attention for a long time, my debit card and checkbook are now being taken care of by me. I guess that she’s finally over the great eBay debacle of 05 or 06.) She does not seem to understand that my mouth HURTS every day all day. My teeth look okay from someone looking straight at me, but if you look at an xray of my mouth, you can see that my teeth point straight out instead of downward/upward. I am always having to take something for my jaw pain or, in some cases, having to ignore it because I’ve taken too much that day or I’ve run out of Percogesic and we can’t just run to the pharmacy and get me anymore. My gums are bright red because of the fact that so much strain is put on my mouth. This leads to dentists and hygienists telling me that I don’t brush my teeth or floss them enough because it is so very evident that I have gum disease. I may have it, but I’ve had it since my first tooth came in. I probably won’t get to have the workup until after I turn 25, in less than 6 months (yes, the thing up at the top says 23, but I was too lazy to change it 6 months ago). Why THAT long? Well, I had an idea that I would have a birthday party, and I’m not changing my mind. You only turn 25 once and I am determined to make mine not suck, even if it does mean that I am going to have to live with pain for another 6 months. I mean, I’ve known that I needed this surgery for about 13 or 14 years now, I’m sure I can try to live, however painfully, for another 6 months.

I get to hang out with my friends tonight after Institute. Yay! Normally we go eat somewhere afterwards, but tonight we’re going to go watch a football game and possibly eat while watching it. That should be interesting. I’m not really a football fan, but I am a fan of hanging out with nice people, so I can definitely do that.

I’m working on two websites other than this one right now. No, my manic streak has not started. I haven’t been manic in a LONG time. I just decided to start two projects that had good intentions behind them. One is for the YSAs of the LDS church to add pictures of YSA stuff to. It’s at ysaphotos.com. The other is a photo album of my family and our lives. It’s at morrisfamilyphotos.net. I’m still adding photos to them both, especially mfp.

I wish it was tomorrow already so that I could place an order for clothes. I know my mom has placed some for me in the past week from other places, but I found some really cute shirts, and since it is no longer my responsibility to pay for all the meals that this family eats, I can now spend my money on stuff for me. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, why not spend the money on your workup? Well, let me tell you why, it’s because I only get a few hundred dollars a month and quite frankly, that ain’t gonna cover 2 workups.

Okay, so I’ve updated, which I really need to do more often, so thank you, Ranee, for telling me to update. And for those of you who wondered, the glasses that I referred to wearing for so many years are the SAME prescription that was done in 1999. They worked well until recently, and my eyes haven’t really changed all that much. I got lucky that while we had no cash flow, I didn’t get a lot worse. As for the replacement glasses, they have not yet been finished as the wonderful ones they made me did not pass initial inspection. If they had, I would be wearing them right now, instead of going without any. (I don’t usually wear my old ones anymore because they are a bit blurry.)

Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, I’m planning on closing Celestial and Taboo. I don’t really want to sell them to anyone, as they’re both my babies. I would just like for them to close peacefully. I will still keep this site open. Even if the name of it is silly to some. (It still means a lot to me.)

Okay, so the joining of the church wasn’t exactly a rash decision I made. I’ve been going to this church off and on for like 14 years and taken the lessons 4 or 5 times (taking them again right now because I’m a new member) and not joined until the fifth of July. It was pretty awesome. I thought I was going to drown for a split second, but then I didn’t so that was cool. I’d never heard the 2 songs I picked for my baptism until the baptism, but I’ve heard one of them twice since then.

So, where have I been? Well, your friendly neighborhood hermit…is hermit the right word for an agoraphobic? I think it fits. Anyway, back on topic, I have been going to church stuff lately. Family home evening on Monday nights with the YSA (Young Single Adults) and Institute (Bible study) on Thursday nights. I’ve also been at the bridal shower and bachelorette party of one of the girl’s from church, and the ring ceremony and wedding reception of her and her new husband (who I also knew). So is my therapist pleased that I’m being MORE social? A little, but not quite. She told me I need to go out MORE. I’ve been going out 2 nights a week, plus church, groceries, appointments. Am I not allowed to be at home at all? I mean, seriously. Sometimes I’m going to need a break from the socialization. I definitely will need a break from the Klonopin I have to take in order to socialize.

Guess what? I’m going to be getting a new pair of glasses soon. Woohoo! I haven’t had new glasses in 9 years. Luckily, my eyes hadn’t changed too much. I had less of an astigmatism and more myopia. Not too much more, but the changes in my eyes were enough that the doctor said I definitely needed a new pair, which is so good ’cause quite frankly I was getting a bit tired of those glasses. Don’t tell the glasses, though, I would hate to hurt their feelings.

I’ve been having problems with tension and TMJ headaches lately, too. Bleh. My family doctor was out of town when they were at their worst, and the other doctors in his office wouldn’t see me because they said TMJ problems could be handled by the dentist. Hello, I couldn’t afford to see a dentist. If I can’t afford to see the dentist for a good old fashioned check up then how am I supposed to fork over hundreds of dollars on a new splint? I’m seriously doubting the intelligence of some people at this point. So I went to see my doctor when he came back from vacation. He told me that I could use a splint from the great and wonderful Wal-Mart. He would not prescribe anything for the tension problems because he was afraid that my mental health drugs would interfere. So I talked to the therapist about getting headache meds through them and she said that though it was possible that my doctor MIGHT use psychotropic drugs to treat headaches if I asked, it was highly unlikely. Apparently, most of those doctors have a policy of only prescribing drugs for psychiatric issues. So basically, I’m…what’s the Mormon word for screwed? (I’m having to redo my vocabulary so that I don’t use as much vulgarity. I mean, I wasn’t cussing like a sailor, but I did use some words, and I’m not supposed to now so I’m trying to cut them out.)

So why is the title of this “Everything is Awesome…”? Well, if you’ve ever met a Mormon, especially one from the great state of Utah, then you probably will know the answer. It’s a very popular word to use. You say something and people are like “that’s awesome” or sometimes the missionaries say “sweet”. It’s cute. What’s odd is that converts do it, too. I guess you just get used to hearing it being said a lot so you end up saying it. I don’t know.

My mental health has been doing a lot better. Well, that’s excluding the freak-out session at Sarah and Anthony’s ring ceremony/wedding reception. If I had taken the Klonopin, I would have been fine, but I thought I’d be okay. My therapist had said that I could stop taking the Klonopin as much since I’m, wait for it, having fun with my new friends. I don’t think that I’m going to stop taking it anytime soon. I mean, it took me six years in college to get over the fears there, and I’m sure that I’ll have them when I start back.

Speaking of which, I shall hopefully be returning to school in a few months. My dad’s disability came and we’re going to use some of it to pay back A&M from where they dropkicked my butt from the Social Work program but decided to rebate my money to the loan folks, which caused me to owe them quite a load of cash. I will hopefully be able to get back into UAH. I need to get back to school. If I go back to school in the Spring semester, then I shall be studying psychology and art. Yay. Everyone thinks I’m doing it to become an art therapist, but that’s not the truth. I am going to study those things to become a therapist and learn how to better use my digital camera and do graphic arts. So I’m doing one to hopefully become a career path and the other so that I can do things on the computer and with my camera better. Of course, I’ll have to save up and get a new digital camera because mine is apparently not good enough. It doesn’t have a lot of shutter speed differential, so it’ll be my goof off camera. Or I’ll let my parents have it.

I figured out that the swelling was due to the Seasonale that I was taking for medical purposes. I also found out that it was causing me to have severe joint pain. So, I went off of it. I can only take a pill that has no estrogen in it because the estrogen will basically suck the calcium out of my bones. That basically leaves Ortho-Tri-Cyclen. I can’t take it because it causes my depressive moods to get MUCH worse and MUCH more prominent.

I’ve been fighting with the insurance to take a new anti-depressant and anti-psychotic. The Cymbalta and Abilify quit working. My psychiatrist recommended Pristiq (brand new) and Risperdal. He didn’t realize that my insurance company would not pay for the Pristiq because of its newness. We had to go through this whole thing with the Mental Health Center and the insurance company. Eventually they approved the Risperdal, which they were delaying on because they thought it was a duplicate for Abilify. They changed my meds to Risperdal and Effexor. So I started officially on those yesterday. The Effexor gave me this horrible headache, which is better than what it used to do. It used to make me so sick and dizzy.

I’m joining a church next Saturday. I know I was into Wicca last time I was on here, but I did some soul searching and decided it wasn’t right for me. Instead, I’m joining the LDS church. Sometimes I have doubting feelings about my decision, but I think that’s normal. Anytime I make any decision I doubt myself and get anxious. I want to do this. I feel it’s right for me, though my dad disagrees. He thinks I should go back to Gnosticism, but I started learning some things about Gnosticism that I didn’t like. Besides, it’s kind of a dead religion. I have a few more lessons before my baptism. I’m supposed to learn about the Word of Wisdom, which I already know about. It basically says, “No coffee, tea, smoking, illegal drugs, etc.” It’s a pretty smart thing to follow since those things have harmful substances in them, but I’ll miss my caramel fraps. I’ll get over it, though.

Oh, and my mom broke her arm, so I’ve had to take care of her and the family while she’s been recuperating. How did she break it? Well, we were out walking the dogs last Saturday afternoon, and she tripped over my dog while we were coming in. (He has a tendency to run in front of people and stop.) He and I have both been feeling guilty. Well, he kind of got over the guilt, but I’m still feeling guilty.

Willow had to go to the vet yesterday for a medical procedure and she’s been whimpering all day today. Anytime my mom leaves her, she’s whinier than she used to be. She seems to be afraid that if mom goes somewhere she might forget about her.

I’m on a low salt diet from now on, and by that I mean, I will probably be on this particular diet for the rest of my life. You know those little shortcakes that go so well with strawberries? Can’t have those. 600+ mg of sodium! I have to limit my Raisin Bran intake to one cup a day, instead of having it for 2 meals because it has 15% of my daily intake allotment. I can’t have frozen pizza anymore, or sausage, which weren’t good for me anyway, but they were nice to have every once in a while. I can’t have instant macaroni and cheese either, not that I’ll mind that one. No Hamburger Helper or any cheddar cheese. I’ll miss those actually. I’m not supposed to have about 1/2 the ingredients in tuna salad anymore. I can’t have Asian food anymore, unless I find some with lower salt. So sad, but I would rather be healthy and have my ankles back to a regular size than have heart and other health issues and swollen ankles. If that means I have to give up certain foods, then so be it. I’m not going to be like my Dadada was and try to get around the restrictions. I’m going to follow this diet, even if it means I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life. It’s better to be alive and miserable than dead and “happy”, right?

My bloodwork came back. It was normal. Yay! But if I have to stay on the Lasix, I’m going to have to have it checked a lot. That really sucks. It also means I’ll be a hard(er) stick. I was already difficult to get blood from, but it’s going to be even worse now.

I better go finish fixing my low-salt lunch.

(The title is in reference to the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld, only it has been altered to fit this entry. I am in no way advocating Nazism.)

I went to the doctor this morning to check on my foot. He was pretty stumped, but said it could be weight related. He’s going to keep me on the Lasix for the time being. It should only be used as needed, though. Of course, due to the lovely main side effect, I’m not going to take it when it isn’t needed. (I’m not discussing what said side effect is.)

I had to have more blood work done. This time I thought that they might actually get some because the guy doing it ALWAYS gets my blood on the first try. He’s THAT good. Well, this time, he missed the first time because the vein rolled. The second time, the vein blew. Because he’s employed by Huntsville Hospital, he can only stick me twice. (They have a 2 stick rule.) The other two people didn’t want to risk sticking me. So, instead of getting the 2 tubes of blood, they only got 1/2 of 1 tube. They’re only going to be able to do 2 of the 3 tests. I just hope they don’t miss any test that is really needed.

I’ve had trouble staying awake today. I just feel so weak and sleepy. I wish I knew what was really causing all this crap. Between the swelling, the headaches, the chest pain, the insomnia at night, and the weakness, I’m just worried about my health.

What does it take to get in to see my family doctor on the day I call to see him? I told them I had swollen feet and legs and that I’d been at the ER and that doctor said to see my family doctor TODAY. (Actually, he wanted me to see him Saturday, but my doctor wasn’t in.) This leg thing could be anything from premenstrual fluid build up to renal/kidney failure to an infection to a blood clot that wasn’t spotted on the ultrasound. It could be really, really serious and the soonest they can get me in is tomorrow morning? I know this is going to sound bad, but what if it is so serious that something bad happens to me by tomorrow morning? I know they can work me in. They’ve done it before with my asthma and other problems, which, by the way, this is affecting. (I couldn’t sleep last night because I was gurgling when I breathed.)

I updated the layouts on E-Watson.org, HaydenP.org, and The Kate Revolution to ones made by Javeria. They look really nice. I can’t decide which is my favorite. I guess they’re good for me to look at since I feel so crappy. They kind of perk me up.

Well, I need to work on some stuff for my sites. Maybe that will keep my mind off my impending doom with my legs. Here’s hoping.

I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. It wasn’t my doctor, so I was a bit uncomfortable. I told him about the swelling and that I had some numbness. He totally ignored the swelling and focused on the numbness. He decided I should go for a nerve conduction test. So I got that set up for June. (I don’t know if I’ll go because I don’t think it has anything to do with my nerves.) That doctor blamed my weight on the problem, tried to say I had diabetes, and basically thought I just had fat ankles. He didn’t touch my feet to see that they were in fact swollen.

By last night at about 7, my leg had gotten swollen up above my knee. It was increasing in swelling at about an inch every hour. My mom and I were worried, so we went to the ER. I told them about the swelling and that I was coughing and having shortness of breath. They got me back by 10. (That’s fast at that particular ER, especially on a Friday night.) The doctor was concerned (and intrigued by my swollen feet) and did a blood test on me and an ultrasound. He thought I could have a blood clot. I didn’t, but the blood protein that indicates clots was high. He said that could be any number of things. (I think it could have just been that they didn’t shake the tubes of blood enough, so they started to clot on their own.)

Oh, I got stuck twice last night by two very cute ER nurses. (They were guys.) The first time, they got nothing. The second time, the vein kept rolling and stopping it’s flow. Then it blew. So now I have two wrists that hurt from blown veins. I told my mom that if I ever decided to kill myself, it was pretty obvious that slitting my wrists would not be a good thing and probably wouldn’t work.

I woke up early again this morning. It wasn’t like yesterday when I woke up at 1:50 am. This time I woke up at 5.

My arm still hurts from the IV from yesterday. It was a bit red this morning. I had to put a warm compress on it. While I was holding the compress on my arm, I looked at my feet, and my right foot and ankle were huge. I know, I’m fat so you’d think they’d always be huge, but they’re not. (My feet and lower legs are relatively small for someone my size.) They were swollen, so my mom called my doctor. Of course, he’s not in. Bleh. So, she tried to get me out of having to see another doctor, but they wanted to see me anyway. It’s a little freaky because swollen legs can be an indicator of a serious problem. I’m a bit worried.

Maybe it’ll be nothing, but knowing my luck it could be something serious.

I had my procedure this afternoon. I was not in a good mood. You can’t have anything by mouth before you have the procedure. Well, there was a sign at the office that said to respect those people who hadn’t eaten all day by not eating, so what was this one woman doing? She was eating! Ugh!

My stomach looks fine. My pouch is still small. Yay! I told my mom that I hadn’t stretched it out. Did she listen? Of course not. *sigh* Maybe now she’ll believe me.

I have two new sites to promote. I’m a co-webmaster at Alexis Bledel Online and the “new” owner of The Kate Revolution, a Kate Winslet fansite that I’ve been running for 10 years off and on. Fun stuff, huh?

I’ve been working on fansites for the past week, so now it’s time to unveil them: E-Watson.org (Emma Watson), HaydenP.org (Hayden Panettiere), and LoveGreysAnatomy.co.uk (Grey’s Anatomy). (I’m just the co-webmaster at the GA one.) Let me know what you think. I adopted the Hayden domain, but I had to rebuild it in English since the old version was Polish and I don’t speak that language.

My procedure is tomorrow afternoon. Bleh. I’m a little nervous. I’m also a little excited or it to be almost over.

My back has been messed up the past few days because of my crappy posture and a car accident I was in 14 years ago, which has apparently permanently caused my back to be screwed up. I’ve been icing, heating, and muscle relaxing it for the past few days, hoping that it would get better, but it hasn’t. I mean, it’s a little better. The first night that it was bad, I couldn’t sleep at all. The other nights I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours. I’m in a lot of pain, but I can’t have anything strong for the pain because of the bad reaction I have had in the past.

I also haven’t been eating much lately. I went about 13 or 14 hours without eating on Monday. I eventually ate because I knew my meds would go wacky if I didn’t. I just was not hungry. That’s like the first time in my entire life that I haven’t wanted to eat or drink anything. I think it worried my parents. All I’ve been eating has been raisin bran and milk. I have eaten some other stuff for supper, but not much. I tried to eat on Monday night, and I got like 1/10th of what I had on my plate down before I was completely full.

Thanks to my stomach problems I am now five pounds lighter. Of course, I still have a lot of weight to lose. I think part of the loss may have to do with going off the Depakote.

I have to have an upper endoscopy done next week. That’s where they run a camera down your esophagus into your stomach to see what’s going on in there. I’m not all that worried about it since I’ve had 2 done in the past. The only thing that worries me is the anesthesia.

I’ve been having sleep troubles lately. I can’t seem to find a normal sleep pattern. I’ll fall asleep during the day, wake up in the middle of the night, etc. It’s just very frustrating.

I need to write Louise back. I got her letter last week, and I was halfway through writing her back when I fell asleep. I ended up losing the letter I was writing.

I’m selling books on Amazon.com, so please go buy them. I hope that someone buys them so I can buy other books.

POTC MB and Gypsy Curse have new locations.

Gypsy Curse (a BtVS/Angel forum)
POTC MB (Pirates of the Caribbean forum)
In Perfect Love… (Wicca board)

I need themes, avatars, and moderators for them still. If you’re interested in helping out, I’d appreciate it.

I’m in a lot of physical pain lately. I think I hurt my knees getting up and down at the funeral the other day. (We had to stand to sing the hymns.) I would love to go for a walk this morning, but I am in so much pain that I just feel like staying at home.

I think I’ve been getting more and more depressed lately. I’ve been sleeping a lot more than I normally do. I am either more depressed or just more exhausted in general. I wish I could stay up as much as I used to be able to, but my body is just falling apart or something.