For years—nay decades, I have had this strange issue of my mental health imploding on a 3 year cycle. Little things become big. Everything becomes too much. I feel like I’m losing it.

2001: Suicidal depression, regular self injury

2004: Same, plus Adderall induced psychosis

2007: Same, plus trauma of being kicked out of my major

2010: Same, without the Adderall but with the joy of having an autoimmune disease that I associated with my grandmother’s death

2013: Actually didn’t have anything happen this year besides Shingles

2016: Genuinely considered self-destructive behaviors over the election results

2019: Dad’s dementia led to a physical assault that resulted in a call to the police. I cut myself repeatedly after that.

2022: Cycling between self-injurious impulses, severe depression, hypersexual impulses, severe body image issues, and normalcy.

I just have to make it a few more months and things will probably be better. But I fucking hate this cycle.

I know that I cry a lot at the beginning of my period, but I’ve started noticing that it’s happening a lot towards the end of my period as well. I also seem to get really insecure and depressed around then too.

I can’t exactly do anything about it besides chanting, “it’s hormones. It’ll go away soon.” But that doesn’t make the feelings really go away. And I can’t tell people that for x number of days during my period they can’t do things that send me spiraling because that’s super manipulative and not healthy at all.

I just have to make it a couple more days and I can be back to my normal weirdness.