I did something bad last night. I brought up consent and boundaries when someone made a thread about their sex life. This caused a bit of a kerfuffle amongst
dudebros entitled men and some pick-mes brainwashed women.
The thread felt very toxic and rapey, so people (mostly women) expressed disgust. The guys who loved the thread did not appreciate that and decided to malign those who had a problem with it, declaring that the lack of love for this one couple’s sexcapades is why average marriages have shortened sex lives and that their marriage is healthy and fun, not toxic. Because I’m me, I had to counter that.
I pointed out that it’s toxic to have sex when she doesn’t want to—because that’s true. I am a firm believer in enthusiastic consent and in establishing & respecting boundaries. Shit hit the fan over this and I can honestly say that I learned a lot.
Derek taught me that women who have sex just to please a man are the equivalent to men who do dishes just to please a woman. Yay for reinforcing gender roles and the self-own about his ability to have teh sex. #FATHERHOOD taught me I fucked my way through work tasks and up the corporate ladder. Apparently he’s aware that sexual harassment exists, but doesn’t understand its dynamics. He also knows I’m just that good at sex. Potato taught me that it’s selfish to establish boundaries about sex. I guess I should listen because potato.
Then there were the ladies: FreeSouthernGirl taught me that if the guy is any good, he can make you want it even if you don’t really want it. Apparently she’s of the opinion that if your body responds, your brain doesn’t matter. Told you so agreed. As did Fauxreal.
But then there was an individual who decide I needed to know all of his opinions. John decided that since I was raped, I view all sex as rape. John decided I either haven’t recovered from being raped or that I’m a misandrist—which isn’t even a fucking thing because misandry is not a thing. John also doesn’t know that he used the wrong fucking word. Then he decided that I have (extreme) trust issues, that I avoid sex and can’t enjoy avenues to it, that I think foreplay is rape, that I’m in denial, and that I am a prude knight.
I don’t understand how wanting both parties to be consenting and into the sex means I’m prude? Like how does that make sense? Also, being labeled as prude feels like a joke. I may not have had sex until I was 30, but I was never prude. (Chris laughed hard when I told him about John’s comment. If anyone knows about my lack of prudeness, it would be him.)
If you have a problem with consent and boundaries, then that is a you problem. It’s also a sign you should not be having sex with anyone other than yourself—and even you deserve better than that. Please don’t have sex with someone if they don’t want to have sex with you or if you don’t want to have sex with them. You don’t need a reason for saying no. You can say no to a person you just met and you can say it to a spouse. Sex should be something that all parties involved should want. There is no “need” for sex that trumps that.